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Listening to This Life


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I didn't want to stop, however, someone stood on the brakes, I skidded and lost control for a while, couldn't see which direction I was heading. Then, when I thought I had corrected matters I veered off course without anyone to check my compass or direction, I was in no-man's-land. That's roughly where I stayed for several years. I was now my own navigator, engineer and captain of this rather confused ship of mine. The passengers - my family - who had to endure this journey kept telling me to find a port, stop, re-group, take a break and I would then see things differently. Well this captain thought he could do his own thing, without any help or charts of where he was heading. In fact, he had no idea where he was taking himself and these totally innocent and loyal passengers. It has been a while however, I am now moored in a better place and can at least gather some thoughts together of what comes next. Certainly not the world I knew and was forced to leave behind, that really was a danger zone riddled with human land `minds'. The problem is this, the new world I experience daily, in person on the street, hear on the radio - God save me from Nicky Campbell, or the mindless trash on terrestrial TV that is not for me either. If there is a parallel universe, then I might sign up for the journey right now. You don't get a hand book when you become a parent nor a guide book on reaching a certain age, so what do you do? If one is normal and I believe I can reasonably fit that description, then all sorts of pursuits, hobbies and holidays are available to while away whatever time you have. That certainly didn't appeal, life had changed, and I was trying to come to terms with my new situation. The conventions that I was having in my head were world class and destructive, every one of the demands was able to have a piece of me as and when they wanted, day or night. In fact, the night time visitors were easier to deal with. When the wolves began to circle, at least I could curse them out loud in the privacy of my home. Not so with the tormentors who came in the daytime. It was bad form to shout out loud at an imaginary foe in a crowded coffee shop, although that was exactly what I wanted to do and relieve the pressure. So, for me to achieve some clarity of thought I had to, leap off the carrousel, step outside my comfort zone, be kinder to myself and those around me, even forget myself for a while. Someone else told me to break the circle. All great advice but not easy when you are the one taking it. You may even recognise that feeling. Therefore, to get back on course I commit to paper that which seems to offer a distraction and which I find strangely therapeutic, my observations on human nature. How we all seem to bugger along as though life will go on as usual and assume nasty things happen to other people. In writing these short episodes I have, I admit, had to engage in a certain amount of voyeurism both at home and abroad. So, my apologies to all those folk who might have thought I was eves-dropping on their conversations. I couldn't help it, you were broadcasting to the nation! Finally, with a little help from my GP, my Welsh friend Di Azipam and his mate Flo Oxytine, I may be able to navigate myself through these unchartered waters of anxiety however, its early days. I hope you enjoy the rest.
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